I don't want to be the devastation to the positive vibration [entries|friends|calendar] starla_bean [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

It's cold again. All over. [29 Apr 2008|12:10pm] [ mood | pissed off ] This morning I awoke to take a shower, after a hard time falling asleep last night because my roommate had 2345635 friends over from Philly. Okay, only 3 or 4, but they were incredibly loud and obnoxious people. The point is, there lay in the bathtub a golden corner ripped off of some package quite closely resembling that of a condom wrapper. Lo and Behold, I go to throw it into the garbage where to my utter astonishment and disgust, I discover the other 97 % of the Trojan magnum condom wrapper. I've got strangers fucking in MY bathroom. Not my roommate's bathroom, no. They had to fucking use MINE. Really. What the Fuck?? 1 comment|post comment

Glitter Cupcakes and Iced Coffee. [14 Apr 2008|06:11pm] [ mood | anxious ] Relaxing for ten minutes before I have to get to class, and I decide to grab an iced coffee from upstairs, where there lingers a make-shift Starbucks Coffee kiosk, a place where I am served caffeine on almost a daily basis. Things are alright. I'm stressing insanity amongst the short film I have to have, and still, I'm stuck making revisions on my screenplay, still in existence sans resolution. Damned. There are only a few short weeks of school left and I'm doing well in every other class except for my mathematics class- The one I thought would be a breeze. I don't know if I can salvage at least a B out of it this far in but I'm crossing my fingers. What a stressful and busy semester. 18 credits is a sure-fire way to kick you in the ass-- Hard. Mom is flying in on Friday in the buzz and excitement of the commencement of our Spring Break, a silly time occuring late, as after the break is over we'll only have two weeks of classes left. Ms. Shannon! I want to know if this day is going to be A-ok for Peter and I to come up to Rhinebeck.. Let me know? It is Wednesday, April 23rd. Basically, he will be handling business in DC the first week of Spring Break, and he'll only be home Tuesday night and all day and night Wednesday- Thursday he is flying out to Michigan to visit his family! I hope its a good day. We should all go to Woodstock! Eat and play and be the lovely, whimsical merry hipsters that we are at heart. post comment

I miss you. [12 Apr 2008|02:56pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Dear Lyrla,   I miss your friendship. I miss the connection we had that just... existed. It was just there. It was always just there...   I miss the sound and bubbles of our shared laughter, even half of a world away. At the end of the world, is where I'd found home.   Will the sun ever turn in such a fashion that is shines upon both of our bodies at once, again? Will the moon glow above us like the Cheshire cat, as we swing hand in hand, heart in heart, upon the hammock that rests between two trees on Wedgewood? Will we dance once more, dance perpetually into the iridescent rainbow sky, every beat of the music already behind us, and so many more notes to follow? I wonder. Yours, Kryssie. post comment

Roast Beef and Gouda Hero, two shakes of a lamb's tail, Wagon hunter Cargo Go. [28 Mar 2008|12:56pm] [ mood | cold ]         At which point in your life do you finally say, "Stop! Take a look around you! Life is Beautiful." Okay, what I really want to know is when do I finally admit to myself that 'enough is enough' and move forward in a positive direction, to a place that will embrace me? Or will I ever find that? Say, perhaps, that I am what you might refer to as "un-embraceable." That's certainly how I'm beginning to feel in my 23rd year of life.  Who am I, already? It seems most of the time I've spent growing up, learning about myself and life and love and enrichment has been spent asking myself this same question. Who am I? And When the hell will I finally be at peace? Surely something extraordinary, something divine should intervene at some point in my life, right? You always think when things get easier that you've got it all figured out, but only until things begin to shatter once again. When you think you've finally found love, the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with- Well, then you realize you've just met someone new, someone amazing, and you really have found the one you really intend to spend your entire life with- But, alas, you're wrong again. So, when do I just stop trying to find love already and understand that after years of searching, If I am meant for love, then it will find me? I am tired of being the one to pursue, the one to follow. I am tired of being kicked around and broken. I am tired of being the one who actually cares in the relationship, I am tired of being the one who does anything and everything in my power to ensure your comforts, happiness, and delight, only to have it thrown in my face like an ungrateful, spoiled fucking child. I am tired. I am 22 years old and I feel as though physically, emotionally, I could pass for fourty.      Where in the hell has my youth gone? Have I really wasted away searching for years for love? Making attempts and inevitably not being "good enough" or "enough" at all to fulfill every single last one of you dirty peices of shit who have corrupted my heart and magical, colorful innocence and love time and time again?? Each and every one of you, who have taken my absolute existance for granted? In whom I have poured my faith into, when there hardy lie any faith from you in return? Doubt, unreasonable doubt, and then anguish, laid upon me by the better hand of every one of you. You, who have bitten the hand  that feeds you? Now, I am not a vain woman, nor proud, nor arrogant. I am a woman who stands with at least some knowledge that I am vastly different from the majority of my peers, and as far as I can see it now, this has not been to my advantage! But It is irreversable, it is inevitable, it is the very pit and core of me. Why, I simply cannot understand why I have been challenged so heavily in the art and science and fallacy that is love.      Although I have discovered over the last twenty-two minutes, that the roast beef and gouda cheese heros at the cafeteria here at school are somewhat decent, at least, if not as inedible as the rest of the food offered here on campus. post comment

Housewarming! [25 Mar 2008|10:46am] Awesome! So if all goes right, I should be out of this expensive money-pit crap-hole Dorm at the end of May, and in Charlotte for one month and a half or so, then back in New York around July to move into my beautiful apartment in Queens! Because I'm getting excited about this plan, I decided to be dorky and start a wishlist on a few sites like Crate and Barrel, IKEA, Target, etc.  post comment

Without You. [25 Mar 2008|08:43am] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Air Force commercial on TNT ] Without You Without you, the ground thaws the rain falls the grass grows Without you, the seeds root the flowers bloom the children play The stars gleam the poets dream the eagles fly without you The Earth turns the sun burns but I die, without you Without you, the breeze warms the girl smiles the cloud moves Without you, the tides change the boys run the oceans crash The crowds roar the days soar the babies cry without you The moon glows the river flows but I die without you The world revives colors renew but I know blue only blue lonely blue Without you Without you, the hand gropes the ear hears the pulse beats Without you, the eyes gaze the legs walk the lungs breathe The mind churns the heart yearns the tears dry without you Life goes on but I'm gone 'cause I die, without you without you without you without you..... post comment

You know? You know? Ya know? You know? [25 Mar 2008|12:26am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Annoying ass fucking techno to my right, my stupid roommate. ] I never ended up on my endeavor to the IFC on W.4th, due to random emotional circumstances. I'm kind of annoyed by it, I'm not quite sure which situation I'd have preferred to deal with. On a better note, I have decided that I will be heading toward the option of renting a studio for myself in Queens, in the building where I grew up off of on Woodhaven Boulevard. For $800, I can rent my own studio, even though I'll be using loan money to pay for it, rather than $1150 per month living here in Harlem, in my shit-hole situation with my shit-hole roommates in this shit-hole slum. The cycle of irritation drives me to the point of insanity; to be honest I'm not quite sure how much more of it I can bare to stand. My lease here expires in August, but I am planning on spending some well-deserved time back home in Charlotte with my family and close friends, over the summer. Hopefully by August, a studio on Alderton will open up for me, and although the commute will be long and tiring, at least I'll have a chance at comfort, peace, and reliability in my life. Also, I'll get to paint the walls whichever colours I dream of. I'm thinking of intertwining Red and Turquoise. I suppose that will be wonderful. I would also like to acquire a job at a bookstore of some sort. Borders, Barnes and Noble, or a smaller company even.  I wanted to check out Shakespeare Bookstore on 68th & Lex, right near Hunter College. We'll see. Right now, I'm exhausted and am going to begin doing some homework. I need to seriously commit to hitting the gym again. I've gained 20 pounds over the last six months, and I need to begin to work on myself again. This includes quitting smoking cigarettes for the third time, hopefully this time will be a greater success than last, I only lasted one month. Goodnight. post comment

Splendid little tomatoes and hummus from Trader Joe's [22 Mar 2008|11:31am] [ mood | uncomfortable ] I think the problem is that I'm not an abrasive person, and I enjoy simplicity, peace, quiet, meditation, expression, artistic things. Light, soft, careful, timid. I think that's one reason we were so compatible at the time. You could say our peace complemented one another. I am sitting on my bed in my dormitory bedroom, and I am eating splendid little tomatoes and dipping them in hummus, from Trader Joe's. I really have always loved hummus. I remember seven years ago, in high school when I was at Northwest School of the Arts in Charlotte, NC... When I was young, I would always pack hummus and tofu sandwiches to school for lunch. I would also include a pear, always, a green bartlett pear, once he had been deemed Pear Pixie. A pear, juicy and succulent. Those were the best days of my life. Tonight I plan on visiting the Independent Film Center in the West Village off of W. 4th to enjoy a film. I'm deciding between The Duchess of Langeais and 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days. They have both struck my attention. Since things are shifting at odd ends, rather than enduring personal pain coming from personal relationships, I think it would be better if I just get away for a little while and take myself out on a date-- alone. If there's one thing I know, it is senseless to want the company of one who doesn't want yours, and moreover, I always enjoy time with myself. I care about myself and am happy to be in a peace- a state that I can find where I don't need somebody else to just be there. It is mine, and you can't have it. I can't hurt myself. I need to be alone so that I can get away from the source that is inflicting me with pain. Au Revoir. Soon I'll post my review of whichever film I've decided to see. post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]